T stopped at home for lunch today, and we were standing outside before he headed back to work. I told him something I've been pondering ... "How do you know what the right choices are for our children?"
I feel like I am on two extremes ... For example, some times I think we should ditch the TV and all the movies we own and the next time I'm reasoning with myself that it isn't the worst thing in the world to let my son watch a few minutes of the Spid.erma.n movies as Spidey flies through NYC.
I know in my heart that the best answer is to rest in God's wisdom and that He will show me. But what about those times I don't feel that I'm hearing a clear answer to my questions? Do I look at Person A sitting at church who doesn't own a TV and children seem well-behaved? Or Person B who has a home theater, takes their children to the movie theater and whose children also seem well-behaved?
I am a people-watcher. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be. My mind starts formulating concepts and ideas that so-and-so's children act/behave the way they do because of a few things I know about their lifestyle and how they run their household. To me, I think even though I'm not judging their actions with a big seal of disapproval, I'm still judging, aren't I? Or not?
I wish I knew what is right for our family. Again, I come back to constantly talking things out with T so we are on the same page with things. But, that is so easy to say...just by talking with him doesn't mean we will come to any type of conclusion regarding the matter.
I find myself constantly evaluating my own choices -
I keep finding all these areas I need to "fix" and then I end up complaining. I think it would be a better use of my time to pray about those areas and ask God to help me focus on my strengths for the benefit of the children. And allow those strengths to lead the "fix."
Am I making any sense? For those with young children at home, do you have these same thoughts? If so, how do you handle them? For those with grown children, did you think this same way? What got you through?
I certainly don't want to waste away my time just thinking - but instead I want to be acting ... I just don't know where to start.
I'd love to hear your thoughts...I feel like I've just gone full circle with my thought...sigh...
**UPDATE**
I wrote this last night before going to bed. After having time to keep processing, I had another thought.
I completely comprehend that parenting is not as easy as to think that if I do/don't have a TV, my kids will turn out fine. A family could have 10 TVs in their house and if they are wise in their viewing time limits - I don't think it could be a potential problem at all.
It really comes down to how use what we have. How do I use my time when my kids are awake? Are we searching through the Scriptures looking to see if he can find the book of Matthew? Am I setting goals to read every day or am I brushing it off until tomorrow?
I think the biggest thing that hits me is that I want a "quick fix." I want it to be easy and just do A, B and C to get the desired result. But that simple formula doesn't take into account all the other variables of L-I-F-E, does it?
While I understand that I cannot get this "quick fix" I am comforted in knowing that all parents, everywhere, ask these questions at one time or another. And I'm thankful many are a phone call, or an email, or even a blog post away!
This parenting stuff ... it's tough.
19 comments:
LA- I think you and T are wonderful parents. When we're at family gatherings, your kids always seem very well behaved. I'm often embarrassed as I'm chasing my kids around and asking them to stay, or be quiet. I guess I would have to ask what were the actions that are leading you to think you shouldn't have TV. As someone who's kids never seem to behave, I understand the concept of comparing and thinking should I or shouldn't I have done this. Our children are a gift from God and we all strive to do the best we can. Don't beat yourself up by comparing yourself to others, even though easeir said than done. Relax, and enjoy your kids LA, you need to give yourself credit for the great job you and T are doing. Parenting is the most difficult job and your post is proof that you ARE doing the best you can!
"I like to work through things that are bothering me by typing them out. Typically, that happens in emails to friends..."
No. ;-D
You're a good mom, Leigh Ann, and a good chat/e-mail/fb friend.
I totally understand this post. You are so not alone!
I can relate. Let me start by saying I have two grown children now 23 and 25 and sometimes they give me great insight and sometimes everything that isn't perfect in their lives is my fault.
My youngest is 7, we home school and she also h as autism.
I am constantly wondering if this is the right thing or that is the right thing. Even just as a home schooler in a public school world Every now and again it is questioned if I'm doing the right thing with home schooling. I know it is the right choice but sometimes of course I second guess myself.
I guess I'm saying you are not alone and no matter what we choose, we will always ask ourselves what if I did this instead of that.
Now you got me thinking! :)
I am right there too Leigh Ann. I do have to say that I wish we had ditched our tv a long time ago. Now that they are older it is harder. We don't watch regular tv, we only have it for videos, but still....
The reason being is that I see no benefit of it at all, unless of course it is for some learning purpose. Our culture is WAY too entertainment oriented and I fear as Christians we may have been sucked into it also.
I was thinking of this very thing in church the other day. I firmly believe that we don't see the same kind of spiritual giants as in centuries ago for this reason: the rise of tv, video games, entertain me, entertain me etc. etc. To me these things can be catorgorized as the weights that we are told to lay aside in Hebrews. I do believe as Christians we DO need to fervently seek the Lord on these choices we are making for our children. He will lead us in the right direction.
NOw that I will step down from my soapbox... :):)
That being said,I know many many wonderful Christians who love the Lord and watch tv or movies. (including you)
I think it is natural to wonder about your parenting and if you are doing the right things. It means you love your children and want the best for them. One important thing that I learned in raising kids is to keep the communication going, no matter what age they are. The teen years are really tough but I think communication is the key!
WOW! What a great post as I was just talking about these same issues last night with a friend over dinner.
Parenting is TOUGH! I am ALWAYS, always wondering if the way I do things are benefiting my children. I struggle with how society and sometimes even those close to me think my children should act. I can only do so much and I try my hardest.
You are doing the same and I think you do a WONDERFUL job!!
I had just got done having a good cry about missing my mom and feeling like I fail in so many ways with my kids. I am having a hard time with Karsen and I don't know what to do about it. If my mom were here I'd ask her.
Your post reminded me that I need to pray and ask the Lord how to handle it and then act on that!
Thanks for your honesty in this post.
I've had to deal with this a lot being a "working mom" and having people say (to my face) what a diservice I'm doing my kids by putting them in daycare. And I am sure I get judged by the way my kids act based on that. I never say anything mean-spirited back to those who judge me because I don't want to make them feel the way they make me feel. I always try to do the best I can where my children are concerned, knowing also that I could probably always do a little better. One thing I think makes a big difference is just being there for your kids. My mom always worked outside the home but at night and on the weekends, she was at home. She was there for us. Not always entertaining us but she was there...cooking in the kitchen, there to answer our questions, there to make sure we tooks baths and there to tuck us in. Sometimes quality is better than quantity, but sometimes, in the case of little hearts, it's not. You are there for your kids, I do know that. And those things will come back tenfold to make them into wonderful teens and then adults.
I struggle with an enormous amount of guilt for the amount of hours that I have to spend away from Onna. Because of my situation though I don't have a choice, I have bills to pay.
That means that during the time that I have with her, I try to be focussed on her. Like Jill said, "quality time". I know moms who are home with their kids but are not "there" for their kids. You are NOT one of those moms!
From what I know, you do a wonderful mom and have great kids.
I could write a book here, but I won't. I was just confronted with this last night at Bible study when I heard another mom talking about the cool stuff she did to teach her kids about the Lord, and I felt like a huge failure. Nope, not gonna go there. I trusted the Lord and followed His plan to the best of my ability. My kids are far from perfect, but I can see the handprint of God all over the 3 of them...yes, the 3 of them!
You are an amazing mom...on of the best I never met! I mean it! You are so on the right track and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Okay, so I'm on the first chapter of the book I promised not to write, but you are hitting home here dear friend.
Keep pressing on!
Oops, one of the best mom...you got me on that, right? :)
You are a great Mom! I am hard on myself, too, and wish I could do things better. Just today, I was telling Savannah that each of is gifted by God in different ways - that we should use those gifts to the best of our ability. That means that He doesn't expect us to measure up to EACH OTHER - he expects us to seek Him and do our best for Him.
Shirley
Sounds like you've been in my head again! Thoughts like these roll around all the time upstairs!
Here's my $0.02: the enemy wants to keep us unsure, anxious, frustrated or anything else he can in order to take our focus away from where it should be. When we are looking at other people and their kids (as I soooo often do), we are not looking to God. Our path is unique with our children specially created for our family.
Oswald Chambers says, "His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power NOW. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working toward a particular finish [as I often think]; His end IS the process..." (from 'My Utmost For His Highest', emphasis mine). This helps place my efforts on today's work and today's obedience rather than focusing on my being dissatisfied with what I have NOT YET become in what I think is His purpose for me (that being perfect servitude and exemplifying of Christ).
Thanks for your openness with this post! Parenting is the hardest job in the world but God gave Quintin, Ellie and Colin just the right mom for them!
Andrea
Girl, I have so been there AND am there daily. Worrying, fretting, praying, wondering, etc. We do need to purposefully make our choices, but then rest in Him to complete the work He began in our children.
God chose those three little ones for you and He knew your desires, talents, gifts, and all you would bring to them as mommy.
No one will be perfect, but we strive to give all to Him.
When there are things that God is laying on your heart to consider...seek wisdom from Godly women in your life. I have found that to be a huge help - ones further down the road who have the perspective that we don't.
Oh girl - wish we could discuss this one over coffee - it is a tough one for all moms, I think.
sorry about taking so long to comment on this. i read it the other day but wanted time to think about it and haven't had a chance to get back.
funny thing, tho, i really don't have any great words of wisdom like i had hoped. sorry. i think that's because there's no pat answer to this. i think most (if not all) parents struggle with this to some degree. the thought process is always there... "i don't want to make any mistakes."
and parents don't want to make any mistakes because we know there could be long term consequences. the problem is, there are no perfect parents. we all make mistakes. i think it's important to know that and accept that.
in other words, don't beat yourself up, try to be perfect, or try to raise perfect children. these are all counter productive.
as far as the tv thing. i think the answer lies, as it does in so many other areas of parenting, in moderation. i think it's obvious that too much tv isn't good. but i don't believe in no tv.
of course, this is just my opinion, but i don't think it's healthy to live with such a deprivation. tv, as well as media in a larger sense, is part of this world. we need to teach our families how to live in such a world with limits and values.
it's kinda like the whole diet process. if you deprive yourself of chocolate (or anything), your going to crave it and eventually you'll end up eating some - could be a little, could be a lot!
well, i could probably go on, but i've already written a novel here. sorry. i'll end with the two words that should be the most important tools in every parent's toolbox.... love and communication. by using them consistently, you won't second guess yourself as much and the benefits for the children are infinite.
I don't think comparing ourselves to others is limited just to parenting. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect in EVERY area.
Have you ever seen a family with multiple kids and most of them seem to always listen, and then one of them bends every rule? Sometimes I think it is just the personality of the kid and not so much the skills of the parents. All that to say, I think you are doing a great job and just the fact that you recognize that taking it to the Lord is most important means you are on the right track.
I totally get this post too, and sometimes i don't even have dh to ponder over these things becasue when asked about these types of issues, he just shrugs. I don't want you to mistake that as a lack of caring on his part...i guess it's just not important to him. Anyway...email me sometime...you have it don't you???
I just wanted to let you know that many times (lately, in fact) I have felt the SAME WAY about my parenting abilities. I tend to second-guess everything I do and worry when I should be praying.
You sound like a wonderful mother. And I like what Lynn said - I think we all put way too much pressure on ourselves.
Enjoy your blog - God bless you!
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